I think I can say that my depression has kicked in. It's now 7PM and I've yet to eat today and all I want to do is sleep. Today I have been crying at the drop of a hat. Poor DH doesn't know what to do. I was trying so hard to hold it all together while my Mom was here because I didn't want to upset her and now that she's gone, I guess I've let my guard down.
I also don't feel good today, cramp wise, and that's not helping me deal with this loss any better. I can't help but to feel sorry for myself.
I know that tomorrow will be hard because it will be the first day that I'm alone all day while DH is at work. Of course, that will give me way to much time for my mind to run wild. Speaking of my mind running wild, I didn't take any Tylenol PM last night and boy do I wish I had. Since my hormones are still super high, I'm still having the very vivid dreams and of course most of them are about babies. So tonight, I will be drugging myself again just so I can sleep.
It was so hard to say bye to my Mom this afternoon. She was so upset when she left which of course made me upset. She hated to leave me but of course, she does have a job and needs to be there tomorrow. We're going back to Texas for a trip in two and half weeks and I wish it were tomorrow. It can not come soon enough.
I'm in this horrible situation. One of my lifelong childhood friends is having a baby shower, that I am a host of, which is at my Mom's house on Sunday May 17th. I have no idea if I will be able to pull myself together enough for that. All of the ladies there are church friends and they all knew about our baby and I assume by now through the grape vine they all know our baby died.
Holli (the one who the shower is for) already told me that it's okay if I don't come but I feel like there will be whispers if I don't come. I'm so torn on what to do. The good thing about it being at my Mom's house is that if it gets to be to much, I can just go up to my room and close the door. I don't want to make a scene at her shower. Hell, I can't even hold it together typing this.
Why does this have to be so hard? When will life get easy?
T-Minus 18 days till our appt.
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I totally feel your pain. I hosted a baby shower for my best friend since I was 3 last month, just 2 months after my m/c. It was horrible. I actually had to hand over the planning duties to another friend at the last minute because I couldn't take it anymore. I went to the shower, fake smiled the whole way through, cried that night afterwards and then breathed a huge sigh of relief the next day that it was over. I hate that such a happy occasion for her was so miserable for me. I will be thinking of you and wishing you luck in deciding what to do--you need to do what is best for you. -Becky19
ReplyDeleteHello! I found you on thebump.com and I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you are going through. I had a miscarriage on December 3 and my husband and I are just now getting ready to try again. I am considered a high risk pregnancy due to a blood disorder that I have. I know that it isn't easy. My stepbrother's wife just found out that she is pregnant with their third child. That was very hard for me to hear. I want to be pregnant so bad...just as you do. Hang in there! Our time will come.
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