The Harsh Reality

So my pregnant cousin had her appt. yesterday and everything went fine. She is due Dec. 11th and the have a healthy heart beat of 162. I'm really happy for her, jealous, but happy and she asked how I was doing.

Well I started running through the dates and what we are going to be doing in the upcoming months and it hit me like a TON of bricks that there is very very good chance that we will not be pregnant by our first EDD which was September 30th. Here's my run down

I think AF will show at the end of May. My reasoning, there is still probably quite a bit of HCG in my body and that has to go down to negative (below 5) before AF can think about coming. Since at 6 weeks my HCG was over 48,000, I assume it was pretty high by 8 weeks. So like I said, I'm guess the end of May. Oh keep in mind, i'm still spotting from the D&C.

So if AF comes on May 31 we will start RPL testing in June which will take almost the whole month. We will also use July to test progesterone after O. The Dr. says you should wait three full AF months to try again so that rules out August.

Amazingly we are already in September. This means we have to get pregnant in September in order to be pregnant by our 1st EDD. Ugh. I can not tell you have frustrated I am by this idea. I know that Mark and I have gotten pregnant every month we have tried but still, my girly bits have been violated now so who know what is going to go on now.

My mom bought a TON of winterish clothes for the baby when she was up and I thought I was going to have to give them away to some of our friends we are actually having babies but with the math and what not, if we get pregnant in Oct. or November that will give us a July or August baby and my winter clothes will still somewhat work.

If you would have told me 5 months ago when I went off the pill that this was going to be my life and my story I would have told you that you had lost your mind. I was a healthy 22 year old with a healthy 25 year old husband with no medical problems. Why in the world would we not get pregnant right away with a healthy baby?

Such is life right? I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself because all of my friends we are pregnant around me have now gone for there first appts. and ultrasounds and no one came home with a dead baby like we did.

In other news, I have decided to go to Holli's baby shower. I have to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm not going to be able to hide from the world forever. I'm sure everyone will ask how I'm doing and I'm going to be honest with them. There's no point in lying. I'm not going to say that I'm perfectly fine when I'm not. Of course, I 'm not going to freak them out either.

I haven't cried since Tuesday and I feel like I'm doing better with things. Wait, I take that back, I cried on Wednesday night when I put the baby book together.

My mom had bought this cute baby book for us to document the pregnancy and I had already started to fill it out so I decided to put all the cards and hospital bands in it and a onesie that I had bought that said "babies first Christmas."

OKay wow that got really long and was very depressing.

On a happy note, A week from today will be in Lubbock getting to pretend we are kids again with no dead babies, no double mortgage, no medical bills, no problems at all. I can not wait!